Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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