i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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