When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
