The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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