Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
