woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I stole a fireplace last night.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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