I checked into jail on foursquare
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
