So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Randomize
