i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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