I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
