If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
