and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize