If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
