mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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