I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
