someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Randomize
