Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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