I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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