You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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