So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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