Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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