I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
