Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
