i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
