I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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