i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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