I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
