The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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