I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
