Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
