Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Randomize
