My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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