this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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