Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
