Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize