i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
