You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
