I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
