so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
The air was thick with penises
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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