feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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