I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
