I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
