Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
