i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
cat food counts as protein by the way
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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