Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
