God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize