i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
