I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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