can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
