Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
