I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
