This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Let's get the cat blown out
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
