those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
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