we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
