Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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