I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
do herpes really smell.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
