Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
