You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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