it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
