My sheets look like a crime scene.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
