First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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