so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
