she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
